Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
