I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
