I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
