Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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