I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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