im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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