Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
