This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
