I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
