dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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