After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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