Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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