Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
