if only i could text you this smell
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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