i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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