This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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