I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
