I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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