literally had 100 drinks last night.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
don't judge my taste in strippers
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
