This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
