5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
