my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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