Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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