Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
