i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
