Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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