I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
