My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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