Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
