look no pants
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
