Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
