i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
