drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
