I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you never un-have a 4some
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
