i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
