I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
