Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize