I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
