Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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