it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize