At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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