I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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