could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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