i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
