hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
