just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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