Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wish you could order shots online.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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