Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
