My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
