I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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