i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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