I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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