After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
