Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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