I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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