I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
