Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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