my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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