I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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