I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
