My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can I color on your dick again?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
