I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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