my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
