if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
